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-You can be the rare outsider in a conversation about how unfunny Jack Black is.
- –You’re unaffected by the writers’ strike because you’ve been laughing your butt off at the same episode of “Good Times” since 1978.
- –If there’s nothing good on TV, you can just stare at your hand.
- –Instead of just jumping on in, you arrive at cocaine abuse organically.
- –The fact that Alzheimer’s runs in your family doesn’t affect you in the least.
- –We’re on the brink of nuclear war with Iran and you could care freakin’ less!
- –The thought of getting glaucoma doesn’t scare you like it does others.
- –Every now and then, the CEO of Funyuns calls to thank you for your business.
- –The only fight you will ever be in will be a virtual one on a video game machine.
- –You’ll never feel like a gluttonous slob for eating an entire KFC bowl.
- –You can recite the lines to every “Simpsons” episode.
- –If you win a trip to Western Europe, there’s no need to waste time wondering where you’d visit.
- –The lyrics to every Grateful Dead song make sense.
- –The ability to use the phrase “No worries, bro” without people looking at you weird.
- –You can feel secure knowing you’re helping the Guatemalan economy by buying all those footbags.
- –You’ve got a much better shot of landing a girl who doesn’t shave. What’s hotter than that?
- –You can listen to Bob Marley for nine hours straight without realizing all the songs pretty much sound the same.
- –You can impress friends with your four-hour discourse about why “The Big Lebowski” is the greatest work in cinematic history.
- –When a friend asks for the time and you tell him it’s 4:20, he’s required to give you a high-five and a bong hit.
- –No stress from trying to move up the corporate ladder at Best Buy . . . you’re just happy being a cashier.
- –You’re utterly free of anyone ever COUNTING ON YOU FOR ANYTHING!
- –You take great pride in the fact that at least you’re not an alcoholic.
- –You never get busted for DUI because you don’t drink . . . and you don’t have the motivation to get off of the couch.
